Genuine Concerns

“If anyone can refute me, show me I’m making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective, I’ll gladly change. It’s the truth I’m after”. – Marcus Aurelius

The last of the five good emperors of the Roman Empire – Marcus Antonius Aurelius – goes on to accept the bitter fact that even when he has attained certain age, he has fought wars, has read a lot of things and the like, he still is not perfect and he never will be perfect. However, he certainly can be better than what he was yesterday. All he has to do is to listen to the people around him and accept the criticism with an open heart.

The amazing thing about Marcus Aurelius is that he always appears as if he is talking to you as if he is a close friend of yours and you both are hanging out in the balcony of your home in a rainy afternoon with a cup of coffee in your hands. He has visited you after a year and he is talking about whatever happened in the last year. The way he perceives himself is like someone who has the power, the ability and above all, the courage, to redesign, recreate, reinvent himself. If we go into the personal history of Marcus Aurelius, we will come across terribly painful things. He saw wars, loss of family members and children and the like. However, whenever we see his busts, paintings or read his writings, we can see and feel a tranquility that he felt in his existence.  

Enough of background. You can refer Wikipedia or Google more about him at your will. The quote above shows how wrong our perceptions are for our self. We always think we are right. We always take us as if we know everything about whatever we are going through. We always tend to overestimate our abilities to make decisions and above all – we refuse to change. We feel reluctant to accept criticism. We reject the new perspective that is being presented to us. And this keeps happening to us in whatever transaction that we may be entering on daily basis. Right from waking up, you may be told that you should fold your blanket before leaving bed. Brush your teeth in this way or that. Dress up like this or that and so on so forth in your own home. And who are the people telling you all this? Your own family members or parents, siblings, partners or even your children. Moving on, the same things happen at our offices. Systems and procedures are redesigned, reintroduced and we must adopt to them. Our superiors in the organizational hierarchy keeps on changing the priorities that we may have for the day. And similar things keep happening in our relationships, romances, offices, politics, families, friends and whatever other aspects we may have around us as a human.

However, Marcus has one remarkable audacity to accept that he may be wrong. He accepts that he may have to change himself. And the reason behind his acceptance to change is that he wants to make himself better by every passing day. He does not want to please people for anything. He does not want to be accepted just because it will please someone very close to him, but he wants to be accepted to himself as he did nothing wrong in pursuing whatever he wants to. Another quote that is close to what I am trying to say, by Marcus says that the one who lives in harmony with himself, lives in harmony with the universe. Meaning that if Marcus has to do something which he felt is right and needed for himself, and if he doesn’t do that just because others will reject him, then he is not in harmony with himself and when he is not in harmony with himself, he cannot be in a harmony with the universe.

The reason why we are talking about the harmony of the universe, is that the philosophy that Marcus is practicing is called Stoicism. Stoicism is immensely deep a subject and I am not even ankle deep in that. However, I would still dare to express that my understanding of stoicism – as of now says that I am a part of this universe and the universe keeps changing by every single passing second. If I want to make a better universe – remember universe, not world – then I must make myself better first, for I am a part of the universe and when a part is improved, the entire universe improved by a fraction. Another humble acceptance here – I agree to the fact that I can do, contribute, improve only a fraction of the universe, for I universe was here before me and it will continue to exist once I am gone.

In the 1980s, American astronomer Carl Sagan released a TV series on the universe – Cosmos. The series was so amazing and true in nature that even the Russians allowed it to be aired in Russia when the cold war was going on between the two nations. In that series, he once said that you may have been born in so and so year and you may calculate your age to be so and so based on the date when you are making the calculation. However, in reality, you and the Universe – the cosmos – have the same age. The iron in your blood, the calcium in your bones, and all the other elements in your body were born when a star, somewhere in the universe started fission of Hydrogen atoms into helium and the transformation of hydrogen atoms continued to almost all of the elements that we have in the universe. One fine day, the star exploded in the form of a supernova and the elements from the core of the star were dispersed in the vast space. Then after a few billion years, another star was formed, and another planet named Earth was also formed. Life showed up on Earth using these elements and now we are here. That is why I perceive myself as a part of the universe and I do acknowledge that I owe a responsibility to the betterment or the balance of the universe. A few decades ago, Carl Sagan met a boy in the street of New York named Neil deGrasse Tyson and started mentoring him. Tyson went on to rewrite the Cosmos series which was aired in 2014. Tyson has to say: We are part of this universe; we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts, is that the universe is in us. If I and the universe aren't different at all, how can I disregard the universe in my acts?

A few days back, I was talking to my manager. And he was a bit confused on why keep using MS Excel way more than I use pen and paper like other bankers do. I told him that I have inherited this desk and once I am not on this desk because of a transfer or promotion, I do not want someone else to inherit the desk in the same way as I did. I am playing my part to improve the approach and the results, and I hope the one who will succeed this desk will have a better position to start with. Meaning, that I did not own this desk. I do not own this world or the climate or this society or anything which isn’t material. I have inherited it from my forefathers or predecessors, and I am supposed to pass it on to the generations to come or to my successors. If I am improving something by doing or giving a little extra that I can do or give, I am certainly passing on a better world or a better desk to the next generation. In other words, I am just a mentor or a trustee of whatever has been given to me and I am supposed to hand this over to the next generation and if there is no value addition in between, my entire existence is a complete waste.

Imaging yourself at your home. You are sitting in the living room with your family and you people are having a good time having snacks. Then there is ketchup thrown on the table, piles of plastic wrappers, and dirty dishes around. The snacks are over. Someone has to go somewhere, someone has to pack up and leave the town for their job at other town or someone has got to study et cetera and the family gathering is almost over. Now, someone has to clean the mess. Let’s assume it’s your mom or sister in law who will do the cleanup. You may be the son in the family or the daughter. But does it count what gender you are? How much time would it take to pick your empty and dirty plate and put it in the sink for washing? It may be just one out of 6 or 10 dishes and it’s a small fraction for sure. However, the time that you contribute to the entire cleanup exercise that is to be conducted, helps someone to save her time. The one who is supposed to do the cleaning also wishes to do something like reading, spending time with her husband or children, or just relax doing nothing. She also has a right to have her free time just like you do. You may be the son who has other priorities as a male member or a daughter who may be married off and may be having a certain different sent of priorities to work on.

Let’s assume a little more. Suppose there four couples. Parents, two brothers with their wives, you and your husband. This makes 8 people. And let’s give them a certain amount of money, let’s say a hundred rupee. There is a rule that you have to express your happiness of whatever is happening at the moment. For example, 10 rupee means you are not much happy. A twenty rupee means you are somewhat happy. A hundred rupee means you are totally happy. Now there are eight hundred rupees with eight people. The snacks were great, and the brothers were happy as their wives were dressed up good and behaved good with the parents and they are happy by say 90 rupees. We will take away 10 rupees as they did not get much of the tomatoes in the salad. The sister and the son in law were happy by 90 rupees as they couldn’t order the snacks that they wanted and had to have something else, but they did not crib about it as they enjoyed the company. The parents were happy by 100 rupees as their children are settled and leading a comfortably good life. Now comes the daughter in laws. If you ask them what their happiness in terms of rupees, they would say they are happy by 100% of the amount as they have their family around. However, we know this isn’t true. They are a little unhappy about something and if we take their honest opinion, they would be happy by merely 50 rupees.

This sounds totally biased as it is written by me and you are just a reader. This is a “mono-channel communication” as it is classified by communication experts. Whatever I will write, you will read. You have no modes or mediums to express your disagreement to my words appearing on your screen. The reason why I gave a great discount to the daughter in laws of the family is that they will need to work on the cleaning, and they will have to spend extra time before going to bed. Again, they also have office early morning and their amount of sleep for the night is compromised and she would never talk about this as she is not allowed to. Such things are seldom expressed in our society as we are told, right from our childhood that the female member of the family is always on the second row and they do not have the freedom to express what is there in their mind or whatever they are feeling. Welcome to patriarchal society. No, I am not a feminist and I do not oppose feminism either.

Now, let’s go back to the family and take the money back from each of the family member. The question is, are we going to get 800 rupees back as we gave away in the beginning? The answer is negative. We have 180 rupees from two brothers. Then 180 rupees from the daughter and her husband. Then 200 rupees from the parents. And merely 100 rupees from the daughter in laws. Which means, we have 660 rupees only. Now let’s think that the family members, except the parents and the son in law, have to pick up their plates and put them in the sink. And the happiness of the daughter in laws is increased a little bit. Suppose, the mother in law asks the daughter in laws that they are allowed to sleep a little extra in the morning as she will be preparing the breakfast. Again, the happiness of the daughter in laws is increased a little extra.

And the same goes with the universe. When you have a genuine concern for something or someone, most of the time you will be told to be in your limits. You may be an outsider if you have a concern for a person. Or you may be told that you are not of certain age or experience or seniority to express your opinion. You may be told to mind your own business and what not. However, if the cause is noble, it must not be given up. For your contribution or efforts may be very small in terms of denomination or size or influence and the like. But does it real matter? Remember, Marcus Aurelius ruled one of the greatest empires in the history of the mankind and he still was open to criticism by anyone. Has he specified that he was open to the criticisms of the senate or the aristocracy or the generals commanding his army? No. He was open to the criticism by any man in the streets of Rome.

Now, another common phenomenon that we observe many a times in our daily lives – the rejection of the criticism by others by criticizing you – will occur. And this happens both ways. I may criticize someone by saying that you had goofed up as well, don’t teach me. Or belittle the position, age, experience or any other aspect of someone who is criticizing me. For example, if I am doing something and my subordinate comes up with a criticism, I may ask him or her to not to teach me as I am a rank above him or her. Or someone to whom I am expressing my criticism, may criticize me. Like how you failed at that task or this or that and the possibilities are endless. However, if you are really committed to improve the universe that you have inherited, you must go through such things. I have always observed that we love things or people. However, we fail to comprehend what love is. We may love someone for beauty or brain. Or the courage or will or designation etc. Or we may love something as it has the latest technology, superior performance etc. Be it your partner, family, material possessions or whatever.

While writing this paragraph, I accept the fact that I also do not know or understand or precisely comprehend what love is. However, what I have practiced so far is that love is a value addition process. Our parents love us, and they add value to us by educating us, by taking us to the doctors when are not well and the like. We love our material possessions and we try to insure them, protect them, maintain them and keep them up and running. Similarly, when I love someone, I must be adding value to her or him – as the case may be – on daily basis. It must be a routine rather than just a once-in-a-year giveaway. I must be teaching her – and learning new things to teach her, at the same time. We must be paving ways out of the tight waters, together. We must be willing to step out of our temporary or permanent comfort zones to create an experience or give a surprise to her. I must be ready to travel overnight to pay a visit to her by sacrificing my sleep for a night or two. I must keep an eye on her health and keep her loaded with things which may be required to her for a comfortable life, in my absence and so on and so forth.

Most of the time, I have seen couples in a relationship, or engaged or married where both were together, for they wanted to be together in the past. And just because they fought with the odds with determination in the past, now they are together. They are pretty secure and convinced that they cannot be taken apart. However, the spark of value addition is not there. Both enjoy each other’s company; their families are not worried anymore for they are not creating any ruckus within the family for the relationship and what not. However, such relationships do create a lot of trouble when there is no progress in the personal or professional lives of the partners. I can be misunderstood here as what my girlfriend/wife has to do with my promotion? Or what is the role of my husband/boyfriend in my annual increment?

The answer is hidden in the question, in my humble opinion. When I am in a relationship, I do influence a great deal of time, mood, energy, enthusiasm and other positive or negative things of my partner and I must be careful on what string to pull. We all are chasing something in our personal and professional lives. Someone is chasing a hike in the pay, someone is after a promotion or transfer or posting. Someone is chasing eternal peace and what not. And my partner has a responsibility to enable me to chase what I desire or deserve, or I need. I can encourage her, I can discourage her as well. I can enable her by showing a way to accomplish something and I can also demoralize her on doing something else. In a nutshell, my partner’s acts do impact me to a great deal.

I have seen people giving up hopes and efforts or turn their face away from things which were immensely important to their future lives. Someone once quoted chose your battles, sometimes peace is more important than being right. And I do not agree to this. When I accept peace over being right, I cheat the universe of which I am a part. For I am selfish in that case. I cannot leave the universe in a disturbed state when a little more struggle on my part can set it right – for I am supposed to handover this universe to the future generations. Once I get into my comfort zone leaving a part of the universe a crumbled, I leave a mark which can be questioned to me in the future – by the next generation, by someone else or by myself as well.

In many mythologies, we get to read that the spirit of the deceased must stand in the court of God for the next place where the spirit will be – heaven or hell. People who have done good almost all the time, go to heaven as a reward and the others go to hell as a punishment. And before the God decides heaven or hell for me, I must answer questions that God has for me – for he knows what I did and what I chose. Had I been selfish? Had I been selfless? Had I left the universe crumbled? Have I contributed any improvement? He certainly knows. And I am not supposed to cheat him. What will I answer to him? Why I shouldn’t be punished when I chose to be wrong than to help the God to maintain a better universe?

Most of the time, when a change is being introduced, irrespective of the magnitude, we shrug our shoulders saying that I have a very little part to play. However, we forget that the ocean is filled drop by drop. The out of Africa theory of human evolution says that our species evolved in the Africa and then we migrated to other parts of the world. We are not going into why we did that; however, we need to go into what if our ancestors chose to be at peace and lose the existence instead of choosing to battle with harsh winter conditions, savage animals across the globe and the like and being right? The gloomy answer that appears is that our race wouldn’t have survived. Why we wouldn’t have survived is a different question altogether as there are many reasons. However, as I stated earlier, that we need to pass on this world and the universe to the future generations, hence, we need to be right than at peace. And every step that our ancestors took, contributed to the betterment of the human race. What if someone said that he doesn’t think of him as an important entity in the world so he shouldn’t help the others in spreading out of Africa?

Gautama Buddha, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela. The list is endless. How they influenced the lives of millions of people? Almost all of them could have a pretty comfortable and successful career with a great amount of money. Buddha was a prince. Gandhi was a barrister. Couldn’t they spend the rest of their lives with all the comforts of their time? They could. However, they chose to contribute to the common good and improved the universe that we live in, with a great success. Imagine our lives if we were under British rule. Pathetic, isn’t it? However, someone, somewhere stood up and demanded a change. Of course, the genuineness of their concern for the people was questioned.

The reality of this world is: people with genuine concern still exist, they haven’t gone extinct. For, the universe came into existence when a particular balance was established by natural forces within the chaos. Is it possible for me to question the concern of these forces when they established the balance? Cosmos is a Greek word. The antonym of Cosmos is Chaos. A balance between destruction and creation was established and cosmos came into existence. Cosmos means an orderly entity whereas chaos means something where there are no laws or rules, or regulations and things behave as they want. What if some force was questioned for the ingenuity of its concern and the force gave up the concern? The cosmos wouldn’t come to existence, right?

Once someone was heard saying: the world needs more of good people. Well, that's just a half of the thing. The world certainly needs good people, but when the good people wants to do something good, someone has to stand by them and help them and introduce the change to the world. The so called good people cannot do anything except someone accepts the genuineness of the concern of the good people. What if the freedom fighters just went by saying that the world needs more of Gandhis and didn't participate in whatever Gandhi tried to do? Most probably, we would have been under the British rule till date. 

Coming to conclusion. We must embrace the right than to choose to be at peace. For I owe something to my creator, ancestors and I am merely a trustee or a mentor of this universe for the future generations. Marcus Aurelius – the man who impacted the lives of millions of people when he was alive, continues the same when he is gone. Marcus could live at peace thinking of himself as the perfect a person than to be right. What if his writings weren’t preserved by someone – thinking that the concern of that act of preserving the notes and scrolls could be questioned? What if someone chose to be selfish and kept the notes and scrolls to himself instead of helping the mankind out there? That’s why I advocate being right than being at peace. What if Buddha gave up on the common good of the mankind to pacify his family? What if he chose to be at peace with his family than be right? What if Gandhi took the third class of the train when the ticket checker threw him on the station from the first class because of his skin color? The history of human race wouldn’t have been like this. Arab Spring – have heard of this? In 2011, the Egyptian government did something wrong with a student in Cairo and some other Egyptian student in London went on to create a Facebook page showing solidarity with the student in Cairo. The page went viral and it started a movement in Egypt against the president. The government was overthrown. Following the example, Tunisia and Libya also overthrew their dictators. So did the Syrians. Syria fell in the hands of the ISIS, but that’s a different story. What if the Arab student in London went on to be worried about his degree and then employment and then the student loan to repay and then the citizenship of UK and the like? A small act of genuine concern liberated millions of people in the north of Africa and the Near East of Asia from something very similar to slavery.

This may sound a little confusing that we started with talking about self-improvement and now we are talking about being selfless. Which I think is the same, not different. When you are selfless, you contribute to the common good of the universe and when the universe is improved -- irrespective of the magnitude, you – as a part of this universe – also improve. And don’t be arrogant or negative that you don’t need any improvements. Read the first line by Marcus Aurelius and you will realize why. This leads us to another topic of discussion: Change. Coming soon.

Feel free to comment.

01-Apr-19